A Pause

    I have been very lax in posting anything from Luke the last two weeks. I have been processing a lot of things though, and have been helped in that process by the Women's Ministry study of Philippians. I'm going to put Luke aside for a minute and share some of that struggle and a couple of big things I've learned.
    Truth is, I have been really hating my life... I expressed that for the whole summer and cumulatively as summer was over as not being able to do any of the summer things I love, traveling, chilling on the beach, girls' coffees, walks with Kelsey or Beth.... no Yoga on Kelsey's deck!
    What a deprivation I've experienced. What a silly complainer I am. I'm very conflicted. Obviously I have more than everything I need. Anyone would consider those things I feel as loss to be extreme luxury. They were only the excuses for my misery, distractions from my real pain.
     As summer turned to fall I was being crushed by the weight of my life. I don't think that is too big of a word. My daughter, whose life story we don't have to go into again, was living in my house but seemed to me a stranger I didn't know...and frankly didn't really want to know. Her children, who I've given the last 10 years of my life to saving, are also turning into people I sometimes don't recognize. Having the three of them together for a weekend often literally made me nauseous. Under the influence of this strange woman who used to be my beautiful, happy daughter, what was happening inside these precious babies?
     Then Bill's cancer was back. Then my Mom started struggling so much I was getting calls a couple times a week to come talk her down from her distress. Then I discovered I need surgery, and I couldn't even figure out how to schedule it.... or schedule recovering from it!
      As I list the problems pulling on my life I feel justified in hating it. Who would want this life? Especially at this time when Bill and I are so aware it will come to an end; I often joked the only way I was scratching anything off my bucket list was to say, "Well, I guess I'll never get the chance to do that." I'm so funny.
     But I was also sick of my attitude. Didn't God direct my paths? Didn't I claim to believe God had my best in mind? Didn't I trust him? I knew I did. I was willing to let God do what he wanted. But at the same time I was so unhappy. Conflicted. And I could find no way to talk myself out of my unhappiness. Unhappiness was perfectly reasonable, really.
      Then God granted a reprieve. I unloaded on a friend; I know she began to pray and I'm grateful for her care. Not that I hadn't been praying, but my prayer mostly consisted of "God, I hate this life!" Suddenly my daughter left for two months. Relieved from that stress, I could at least breath. I was truly thankful for breathable air in my own house, thankful for the first time in awhile. The two months will end and she will be back, but the difference is tangible.
     I asked my midweek to pray for my Mom and she has had a few good weeks. (There's cleartly a lesson in here too about asking other people to pray for you.)
    Then Wednesday Bill's remaining treatments were dismissed. This is how that effected me (and it's all about me.)... on Tuesday my initial phone discussion about scheduling surgery was-- they will call me with a date in January. I hung up thinking, well, good luck with that. When could I take a few weeks off? Before Bill's chemo? Not enough weeks in January for that. After his chemo? That puts me into February, even spring break.. missing piano, violin, etc... (again, how spoiled am I? (whining) I just don't know how I'm going to schedule my violin lesson?) On Wednesday the oncologist said PET in December but probably no more chemo. On Thursday, surgery called back with a date that was.....fine.
      So I said I learned a couple of big things I want to share. I'm surprised what they are.
    1) I was an emotional wreck and truly was trying to handle more than I could handle. It's very hard for me to admit how needy I am. Paul says God doesn't give us more than we can bear. (My friend Sandy says God believes I am very strong.)  Clearly God was holding me up, but I wanted to be one of those Christians who did it with a song and a dance. Instead, here's how I would describe my last year of walking with God.... stepping across ceiling joists high off the ground....blindfolded. Each step miraculously found the thin board actually under my feet. Then all I had to do was take another... and find once again the board was there. No singing and/or dancing.
     2) I was very disappointed to find I have lingering thoughts that prayer is a formula that.... if recited correctly, or with the right attitude, and especially without being a total failure at being as joyful and full of faith as God wants one to be..... can make things change. Prayer is a lifeline... no doubt about that. Prayer connects you to the God of the universe. But contrary to the sign on many living room walls, prayer doesn't change things. God changes things, and not as a reward for correctly delivered petitions or godly attitudes or perfect responses to the struggle that is life. He changes things as a gracious gift.
    This is the part of the story that relates to the Philippians study. We were looking last week at living out the will of God without complaining. Geesh. Just what I wanted to study.
    "Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--continue to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life...." Phil. 2:12-15
    So did I get my act together so God worked? Did I suddenly understand and ask in a right way that compelled him to act? Was I so convicted I turned my stinky attitude around and God rewarded me with change? Aren't those the ways we get God to work?
    The truth is, God worked in the midst of my utter weakness and failure and not because of anything I did or said. I didn't get anything together. He graciously chose to give relief.
    My reaction to his grace clearly shows my wrong thinking. "Why would you deliver me now when I am reacting so very badly?" "I'm such a poor example of victorious living, I can't believe you would do this for Me." "All I have been doing is complaining about the life you've given me.  Why would you intervene now?" Vanity. All about me and my spirituality. Vanity, vanity. It's clear I only thought God would act in response to some manipulation on my part. That's such wrong thinking about God. He operates out of His own reality, part of that being that I'm one of his beloved children.
    Reality in my life is that my daughter may not change, my grandchildren have huge holes in their emotional lives, my Mother's Alzheimer's will only get worse, my husband will eventually need chemo again. Life has not changed. But Christmas looks doable. Teaching piano is not as important as I think it is. Bill can start getting his energy back rather than going further down. Surgery is a pain but not as big of a nuisance as surgery while Bill's having chemo.
    And how will I respond the next time life is unbearable? I don't know. I'm guessing not perfectly. But if I can old onto one truth out of this experience I hope it is this: Grace doesn't depend on me.
     I also feel (like feelings are important) God protecting me, something I have not felt for a long time. I know we live in the valley of the shadow of death. I don't think I've had any worse time than many people have. I have a life many, many people would envy. There are people out there with miserable lives. That's what life in the valley of the shadow of death is. I don't expect to live life on earth without the miserable effects of sin.
      But I have a more tangible sense that by God's grace it will NOT crush me. It will take me both daily and eventually to him. I think I both understand and believe the verses I love from Psalm 73 litte more than before: "I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory."