An aside

   I was able to share at the leadership meeting last night how much I was amazed and thankful to God that he's lifted some of the burden I've been carrying this fall. I was able to say that it was surprising to me, not that God helped me out, but that he helped me out when I couldn't ever get my attitude together or feel like I was handling things the way he wanted me to.
    The thing I didn't get out, so I'm trying to express it here, is what that shows me about how I think about myself and how I think about God.
    About myself....I really think I should be able to handle everything and not in a prideful way but that's what I think about being a Christian...that I can do all things through Christ is some kind of one size fits all band aid that makes everything feel better. I could only handle things by constantly redefining what it meant to be handling it! I have to rethink that now. I assumed God was displeased with me because I was in so much pain and was so frustrated with my life. I assumed he wanted me to smile and say Praise the Lord and get on with it. Maybe all he hoped for me was that I would be able to keep walking along the path holding on to his hand. Maybe he just felt great compassion for me.
    Which leads me to the important truth... did I believe God only helps me out when I'm being some kind of super christian? And more importantly, do I after all these years still believe that there is a right way to pray and a pious way to live which [and this is the key] will get God to act in my behalf?
   It seems I was thinking that, or at least the opposite, that God would never work in my behalf when I had such a bad attitude. I have to say I'm surprised to see that belief about God in myself. I seem to still have in me the feeling there is a magic button to push or lever to pull which will make God act, and furthermore that the fulcrum balancing that lever is my righteousness.
   I do not believe that in theory. Yet, when some of these current burdens were lifted, my second thought (thankfulness was truly my first thought!) was, why now? Why, when I'm behaving so poorly, would you bless me now? The attitude of earning his blessing clearly lingers. Yet the evidence clearly suggests that God is always acting out of his compassion and wisdom to give us what we in no way deserve.
   In the face of such grace, one surely is drawn to love and follow him. But obedience and trust are not magic buttons. They are simply the only sensible way to respond to a God who is so much bigger than us.